NO MORE I CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE

ONCE AGAIN I AM WRITING HERE BECAUSE NO ONE COMES HERE. I AM SO DEPRESSED TODAY. I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING THIS DEMON OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. I HAVE FOUGHT IT FOR YEARS. I AM TIRED SO VERY TIRED. PART OF ME WANTS TO JUST SAY THE HELL WITH IT AND END IT ALL RIGHT NOW AND TO BE HONEST THAT WAS MY INTENTION WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING. TIRED OF BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME SITTING ON THE INTERNET JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO. HOPING SOMEONE WILL TAKE TIME TO CHAT. AND TO BE HONEST A COUPLE OF PEOPLE HAVE BUT I DONT WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO THEM ALL THE TIME EITHER. SO TODAY CHIP AND I SIT HERE.  THE MORE I SIT HERE THE HARDER IT IS TO NOT GIVE INTO MY TEMPTATION TO JUST END IT ALL.  I AM SUPPOSE TO GO TO A BIRTHDAY DINNER TODAY AND I WILL GO BUT TO BE HONEST I DREAD IT BECAUSE OF PANIC ISSUES.  WHO KNOWS AFTER THAT IF I WILL EVEN COME BACK MAYBE I WILL JUST GO DO MYSELF IN. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS LIFE. TIRED OF WAKING UP AND AS HARD AS I TRY THE BANK IS OVERDRAWN. I HAVE NO GAS NO FOOD AND NO MONEY. BUT YET PEOPLE TELL ME TO SMILE GOD LOVES YOU. I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE IF HE DOES OR NOT. I HAVE ALL BUT LOST MY FAITH. IT IS SAD WHEN YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR MORNING SO FAR LOOKING UP WEBSITES ON HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE. WELL, I BETTER SHUT UP. NO ONE READ THIS ANYWAY BUT JUST HAD TO VENT. 

ONCE AGAIN ALMOST TWO AM

I HATE  THESE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SLEEP DOES NOT COME EASY FOR ME ANYMORE. I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY MIND. ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF WITHOUT A CHURCH, THERE WAS JUST TO MUCH I DISAGREE WITH IN THE LAST ONE I WAS GOING TO. I LOVE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE GREAT PEOPLE. BUT THERE ARE SOME ISSUES I JUST CAN NOT COMPROMISE

DEPRESSION IS TRYING TO RULE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, MEDICATION CHANGES ARE NOT HELPING. I AM BEGINNING TO  THINK THIS IS M Y LIFE CONSTANT DEPRESSION.  I DONT WANT IT TO BE I PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY TIL I JUST CANT NOT PRAY ANYMORE. MY HEART IS TO FOLLOW GOD BUT I JUST CAN NOT KEEP IT TOGETHER.

HERE IS A SONG I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE IT IS SO MY LIFE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE0Gb28MF4c

MAKING CHANGES

I AM MAKING SOME SERIOUS CHANGES AS OF TODAY. I AM GOING TO WORK ON GETTING MY LIFE IN ORDER. THAT MEAN SPIRITUALLY, MENTALLY AND PHYSCIALLY. I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF CHANGES IN ALL THOSE AREAS OF MY LIFE.  PHYSICALLY, I NEED TO LOSE MAJOR WEIGHT AND WILL DO WHAT EVER I HAVE TO DO TO LOSE IT. I AM TIRED OF MY FEET BEING SWOLLEN ALL THE TIME BECAUSE MY BACK IS MESSED UP FROM SO MUCH WEIGHT. I CANT NOT  MOVE THEM HALF THE TIME AND CANT FEEL THEM THE OTHER HALF. AT NIGHT THEY CRAMP.  MENTALLY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF ISSUES IN MY LIFE. ONE BEING ME BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME.  I SIT AT THIS STUPID INTERNET JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME ON THAT I CAN TALK TO.  BECAUSE I AM ALONE HERE IN MY ROOM ALL THE TIME.  SITTING HERE IS KILLING MY BACK.  AND SPITITUALLY I NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME ON THAT THEN ON THE INTERNET. OH WELL I JUST NEED TO GET A LIFE.

WONDERING THOUGHTS.

I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I HAVE TO BELIEVE , I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING AFTER THIS LIFE. TODAY I DONT KNOW. WHY IS IT I KEEP HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO BE WORKING. I WANT TO BELIEVE, BUT IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO BELIEVE.  TODAY ONCE AGAIN, A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE WITH A PASTOR. WHY DO I STAY AROUND CHURCH WHEN ALL OF MY BIGGEST HURTS IN LIFE CAME FROM CHURCH PEOPLE. I WAS ASKED WHY I BELIEVE I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER MYSELF.  THINGS WILL PICK UP FOR AWHILE THEN BAM I AM LEFT OUT AGAIN.  IF YOUR NOT GOING TO BE A FRIEND THEN DON’T ACT LIKE ONE. I HAVE FRIENDS THAT DONT EVEN GO TO CHURCH THAT ARE BETTER TO ME THAN YOU GUYS ARE. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT ALL PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH ARE BAD. I HAVE MET SOME GREAT ONES. THERE IS ONE THAT IS ALWAYS THERE WHEN I CALL FOR HELP. BUT OTHERS IT IS LIKE PULLING TEETH TO GET THEM TO EVEN SAY HI TO YOU UNLESS THEY WANT SOMETHING OR THEY WANT TO HURT YOU AGAIN. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE CHURCH CROWD TOTALLY, MAYBE THAT WILL SOLVE IT .  I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE ALL I KNOW IS THAT LIFE CAN NOT GO ON THIS WAY. I AM GETTING COUNSELING MAYBE THAT WILL HELP.  BUT ALL I KNOW THINGS NEED TO CHANGE AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE FAST.

VISIT TO COUNSELOR

WELL, THINGS ARE GETTING PRETTY INTENSE. BUT HE DID ASK ME A QUESTION THAT I AM GOING TO TRY TO ANSWER.  HE ASKED SINCE MOST OF YOUR HURT IN LIFE HAS COME FROM PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH YOUR OWN DAD BEING A PASTOR AND OTHER CHURCH PEOPLE DOING NOTHING TO HELP A YOUNG GIRL WHO WAS BEING BEATED AND MOLESTED BY HER DAD, WHY DO YOU STILL GO TO CHURCH, WHY DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN GOD.  HE WAS JUST ASKING ME NOT TRYING TO TALK ME OUT OF MY FAITH.

HE IS MY ANSWER. OR AT BEST MY RAMBLING. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THERE IS SOMETHING MORE THAN THIS LIFE.  I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT SOMEWHERE (HEAVEN) AS TO BE AN AWARD FOR LIVING THIS LIFE DOWN HERE.  THIS LIFE DOWN HERE FOR ME HAS BEEN SO AWFUL THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING BETTER. SURE I HAVE A FEW GOOD FRIENDS AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT. BUT LIFE AS A WHOLE HAS BEEN PRETTY CRAPPY.  SOME OF IT I HAD NO CONTROL OVER AND SOME OF IT I BROUGHT ON MYSELF. BUT THERE JUST HAS TO BE SOMETHING BETTER SOMEWHERE THERE HAS TO BE. IF I DID NOT BELIEVE  THAT I WOULD END IT NOW.

WELL TODAY HE TOLD ME THAT HE WANTED TO MAYBE TRY HYPNOSIS  TO GO BACK TO EVENTS THAT HAPPEN AS A CHILD AND RELIVE THEM . STILL NOT SURE WHAT GOOD THAT WOULD DO. I LIVED THEM ONCE WHY WOULD  I WAN T TO LIVE THEM AGAIN. SOMETHING ABOUT TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. WELL I WOULD HAVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT IT BEFORE I ALLOWED THAT.  I DON’T WANT ANYMORE ISSUES IN MY LIFE I HAVE ENOUGH. I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE MESSING WITH MY MIND.

 

WAITED ALL DAY JUST FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO ME.

THIS MORNING I WAS FEELING LONELY AND POSTED DOES ANYONE WANT TO GET COFFEE ALL DAY NO ONE ANSWERED.  FOUR OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE AND HERE IS IT MIDNIGHT AND NOT ONE WORD SPOKEN TO ME BY ANYONE.  BUT COME MONDAY THEY WILL SAY CAN YOU TAKE ADDIE TO SCHOOL NO I CANT. MY CAR NEEDS WORK AND I CAN ONLY USE MY CAR FOR WORK RIGHT NOW. DONT EVEN WANT TO DRIVE IT TO CHURCH.  I REALLY HAVE TO BABY IT. CANT GO ANYWHERE. COULD NOT EVEN DRIVE TO GO SEE MY BIRDS TODAY.  STUCK HERE WITH PEOPLE WHO WONT EVEN SPEAK TO ME. AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES FAMILY.. WELL ACTUALLY I AM ONLY FAMILY IF THEY WANT SOMETHING , I DONT’WANT TO BE UNCHRISITAN BUT THAT RIDE IS OVER. IM DONE

I HAVE SO MUCH MEDS IN THIS HOUSE I WONDER IF I TOOK THEM ALL. THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS ME IS NO ONE WOULD CARE FOR CHIP THE WAY I DO.  I AM DISCOURAGED VERY DISCOURAGED. I LIVE IN ONE ROOM EVERYTHING OWN IS IN MY BEDROOM. WHICH IS NOT RIGHT I PAY HALF THE RENT AND ALL THE BILLS AND I AM STUCK IN ONE ROOM I HAVE TO BORROW MONEY TO PAY BILLS AND THEY SIT ON THEIR ASS AND WONT PAY A DIME.  BECAUSE THE BILLS ARE IN MY NAME.  IM DONE I AM REALLY DONE. IF THINGS DO NOT CHANGE IN ONE WEEK I WILL FIND A HOME FOR CHIP AND JUST BE DONE WITH THIS CRAPPY LIFE.

2AM AND I AM STILL UP

JUST GOT OFF THE  PHONE WITH A FRIEND. I HAVE SO MUCH MEDICATION IN ME RIGHT NOW YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD BE PASSED OUT COLD. I HAVE 1 MG OF XANAX IN ME A 3 MG OF LUNESTA AND OTHER SEDATING DRUGS IN ME.  MY PANIC IS SO BAD TONIGHT THAT I DON’T TRUST MYSELF TO BE ALONE WITH ALL THIS MEDICATION AROUND.  I AM SCARED REALLY SCARED TONIGHT. I KEPT POOR CHIP UP TIL 1AM JUST  NOT TO BE ALONE.

I HATE THIS PANIC.  I HATE THE FACT THAT I LIVE ALONE IN A HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE. MY SISTER AND NIECES LIVE HERE AND THE ONLY TIME THEY TALK TO ME IS WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING.

TODAY, I WENT TO THE BEACH JUST NOT TO BE ALONE. I TOOK SOME PICTURES AND LEFT.  AHHHHHH I HATE THIS,  I NEED TO BE WITH PEOPLE BUT THERE IS NO ONE AROUND.

I AM GOING TO CONSELING AND IT IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD .

I MET THIS LADY AT THE SALVATION ARMY CHURCH AND SHE IS OLDER AND FOR SOME REASON I HAVE REALLY TAKEN TO HER. I THINK  MAYBE IN SOME SICK WAY I LOOK TO HER AS A MOTHER IMAGE. SHE WEARS HER SALVATION ARMY UNIFORM.  AND MY REAL MOTHER WAS A OFFICER IN THE SALVATION ARMY MAYBE IT IS WISHFUL THINKING THAT MY MOM WAS STIL HERE AND THAT SHE CARES WHAT IS HAPPENING.

WELL. IT HAS BEEN A TEARFUL DAY. INFACT I DID SOMETHING TO NIGHT THAT I DONT NORMALLY I DO I BROKE DOWN ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND, I DONT USUALLY LET PEOPLE SEE ME THAT DOWN. AND I CAN NEVER FALL APART LIKE THAT INFRONT OF PEOPLE BECAUSE I GET AFTRAID IF  I WOULD CRY AS A CHILD I WOULD GET BEATEN MORE FOR CRYING. SO WHEN I DO CRY NOW I GET SCARED THAT SOMEONE WILL GET MAD AT ME.  OH WELL I BETTER TRY TO GO TO BED.

I AM GLAD FOR GOOD FRIENDS

YOU KNOW IT IS HARD  TO DAY TO KNOW WHO YOU CAN TRUST OR IT IS HARD TO FIND PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEED HELP. I HAVE A COUPLE OF GOOD FRIENDS. 2 ARE PASTORS OKIE AND DAVID AND ONE IS A PHARMACIST. PAUL.  I AM GRATEFUL FOR THESE PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO CARE AND OFFER ADVICE AND COUNSEL WHEN I NEED IT. I AM ON SO MANY MEDS IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHAT I GOING ON THAT IS WHERE PAUL COMES IN HIS KNOWLEDGE OF MEDS HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH. AS WELL HE IS A GOOD FRIEND. AND OF COURSE OKIE AND DAVID YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BOTH MEAN TO ME.  I BORROWED A LAP TOP TO SEE IF THAT HELPS MY BACK INSTEAD OF SITTING LEANING OV ER A TABLE TO BE ON THE COMPUTER. WE WILL SEE. IHOPE IT WORKS OUT IF SO I WILL GET A LAP TOP WHEN I CAN.  IT SEEMS BIG TO ME BUT I WILL GET USE TO IT IM SURE.

ANXIETY SUCKS

SUNDAY I HAD A PANIC ATTACK SO BAD. AND THEN AGAIN DURING THE NIGHT.  WENT TO THE COUNSELOR AGAIN TODAY BECAUSE MY PRIMARY CARE DR. TOLD ME I NEEDED TO GO . HE WOULD LIKE ME TO GO TWICE A WEEK FOR AWHILE. THE COUNSELOR ASKED ME HOW I FELT ABOUT THAT.  I SAID FINE AS LONG AS IT IS PAID FOR. AND IT IS WITH MY INSURANCE AS LONG AS A MEDICAL DR SAYS I HAVE TO GO. THE DR NOW HAS ME ON SOME MEDS FOR ANIXETY WELL I WAS ON SOME BEFORE BUT THE BUSPAR WAS NOT WORKING.  WELL NOW FOR NOW ANYWAY I AM TAKING KLONOPIN FOR NOW. SEE WHAT THAT DOES. BUT MEDS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH, THE BIGGEST THING IS I NEED TO LEARN TO CALM MYSELF DOWN WITHOUT THE HELP OF MEDS. I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE DRUGGED. THE COUSELOR THINKS THAT IF I TALK OUT SOME OF THIS JUNK THAT THE NEEDS FOR MEDS WILL DECREASE.WHO KNOWS.

HE ASKED ME TO DAY HOW I FELT ABOUT MY DAD AGAIN.  HE ASKED IF I LOVED HIM.  I THOUGHT THAT WAS STRANGE. BUT I GUESS I WANTED HIM TO LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STOP THE MOLESTATIONS AND THE BEATINGS. BUT HE DIDNT. MY DAD WAS A PASTOR OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH IN MICHIGAN. BY ALL RIGHTS I SHOULD NOT EVER WANT TO GO TO CHURH BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID. AND THE OTHER PASTOR AT THE CHURCH KNEW ABOUT IT BUT DID NOTHING TO HELP ME. WHY DO I STILL GO TO CHURCH.  I GUESS I WANT TO BELIVE THAT GOD IS NOT LIKE THAT, I KNOW HE IS NOT.   BUT SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I GO. MY BIGGEST HURTS IN LIFE HAVE COME FROM THE CHURCH.  AND EVEN NOW A BIG HURT HAS COME FROM THE CHURCH I AM GOING TO NOW.   STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME I GUESS.

ANYWAY HE AGREES WITH MY PRIMARY CARE THAT FOR NOW I SHOULD GO TWICE A WEEK BUT DONT KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE THAT MUCH EMOTION IN ONE WEEK.  HE TOLD ME TODAY THAT IT IS A WONDER I DONT HATE MEN.  I DONT HATE THEM BUT I DONT TRUST EASY THAT IS FOR SURE.

TODAY I TOLD HIM ABOUT A TIME WHEN I WAS ABOUT 5  MY MOM WENT ON A TRIP FOR HER WORK AND MY DAD LOCKED ME IN THE COAL BIN FOR 3 DAYS AND WHEN  I WOULD CRY BECAUSE IT IWAS DARK AND COLD HE WOULD THROW WATER ON ME TIL I STOPPED.  THEN BEAT ME FOR GETTING MY CLOTHS DIRTY.  I WOULD CRAWL ON THE COAL TO GET AWAY FROM MICE IN THERE…OK CANT DO THIS RIGHT NOW TO EMOTIONAL.  MORE LATER.  BUT TO THIS DAY DON’T LET ME SEE A MOUSE I WILL PASS OUT COLD.

WENT TO A COUNSELOR TODAY

WELL HERE I AM HIDING ON MY BLOG AGAIN…..TODAY WAS A HARD DAY FOR ME, I HAD MY SECOND VISIT TO THE COUNSELOR.  IT STARTED OUT OK, BUT THEN IT GOT HARD. I DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE EASY.  HE ASKED ME WHAT SOME OF THE THINGS I LIKED ABOUT MYSELF. AT FIRST I SAID NOTHING, HE SAID THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHINGS I LIKED. SO HERE WAS MY LIST. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM BRAGGING WHEN I TELL THE THINGS I HAVE DONE, I DON’T WANT TO COME OFF LIKE THAT, I JUST HAVE ALWAYS LOVED MUSIC AND DROVE MYSELF TO EXCEL AT IT.  WELL HERE IS MY LIST HOPE I DON’T SOUND ARROGANT.

I HAVE A DOUBLE MASTERS OF MUSIC FROM UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.

I PLAYED WITH THE DETROIT SYMPHONY FROM THE TIME I WAS 15 TO I LEFT IN 1987. I HAVE LITERALLY PLAYED ALL OVER THE WORLD WITH THEM.

I AM  TRAINED IN CLASSICAL MUSIC. AS WELL AS ALL OTHER GENRE OF MUSIC.

I LIKE MY JOB, I LOVE TEACHING PEOPLE HOW TO PLAY PIANO.

I DON’T LIKE THE FACT THAT UNLESS IT IS MUSIC RELATED I AM NOT VERY SMART.

HE ASKED ME IF MY PARENTS SUPPORTED ME IN MY MUSIC WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I TOLD HIM NO. MY DAD WHEN I WAS FIVE AND I WAS PLAYING A SONG ON THE PIANO HE CAME AND SLAMMED THE LID ON MY HANDS AND TOLD ME I WOULD NEVER PLAY. FROM THAT DAY ON I WAS DETERMIND TO PLAY AND TO BE THE BEST. AND I WAS THE BEST. THE FIRST TIME I PLAYED AN CARNEGIE HALL I SENT MY DAD AN INVITIATION….OF COURSE HE DID NOT COME.  IT MAKES ME SAD THAT ALL MY MUSICAL AWARDS AND ACOMPLISHMENTS NO ONE THERE FOR ME. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER SAW ME WIN AN AWARD. NO ONE WAS AT MY GRADUATIONS. I FELT REALLY ALONE. WHILE OTHERS HAD THEIR FAMILY THERE TELLING THEM GOOD JOB, I WAS ALONE AFTER ALL THE CONCERTS. I BASICALLY DROWNED MYSELF IN MUSIC.TO HIDE THE PAIN.  I STILL JOKE ALOT TO HIDE PAIN. DOES IT BOTHER ME I NEVER HAD A FAMILY  HELL YEAH IT BOTHERS ME. IT WOULD ANYONE.  WELL THAT IS AS FAR AS WE GOT TODAY.

I HATE THAT THOUGH. HE BROUGHT UP SOME REALLY BAD FEELINGS IN ME NOW I KINDA FEEL A LONE TO DEAL WITH THEM. ALL THAT HURT HAS SURFACED AGAIN, AND HE NEVER TOLD ME HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. OH WELL BURY IT GUESS LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE.