ANOTHER LONELY CHRISTMAS

EVERY YEAR I PRAY THAT THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT , WELL THIS PAST YEAR HAS BROUGHT IT SHARE OF TROUBLES FOR ME. I HAD ALMOST A FULL SCHEDULE OF STUDENTS TIL JULY FIRST WHEN I WOKE UP AND COULD NOT GET OUT OF BED, I COULD NOT STAND UP. THE PARAMEDICS TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL LONG STORY SHORT, I HAVE AN INFECTION IN ONE OF MY DISC IN MY LOW BACK.  IT IS STILL THERE EVEN NOW IN DECEMBER. BETTER BUT NOT TOTALLY GONE. WELL I WAS DOWN FOR THREE MONTHS NOT ABLE TO GET AROUND VERY WELL, I LOST ALL BUT TWO OF MY STUDENTS.  SO BILLS GOT BEHIND AND ONE OF THEM IS MY CAR PAYMENT. I COULD NOT PAY THEM. SO THIS PAST THURSDAY THEY PICKED UP MY CAR. I DONT KNOW, I TRY TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE. I LOVE GOD, I GO TO CHURCH, I DON’T LIE, I DON’T STEAL. ETC, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THINGS GET WORSE AND WORSE, I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE AT MY HOUSE CARES ABOUT ME, MY SISTER WOULD ONLY ASK ME IF I WANTED TO GO SOMEWHERE WHEN I HAD A CAR AND COULD DRIVE HER.  NO ONE HAS ASKED ME IF I NEED TO GO ANYWHERE SINCE I LOST MY CAR. AND THEY HAVE  NOT SPOKEN TO ME. I WILL BE SENDING CHRISTMAS ALONE IN MY ROOM AGAIN. I HAVE BEEN IN TEARS ALL DAY, I AM SO LONELY AND I FEEL LIKE GOD DOES NOT CARE EITHER.  THEY TELL ME TO TRUST GOD WELL IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER WHEN NOTHING GOES RIGHT EVER.  WELL I WILL SHUT UP, PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ME FOR BEING DEPRESSED BUT IM USE TO IT. 

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OVER 100 POUNDS LOST

 

 

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TRYING TO HANG ON.

I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT HAS BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I WROTE ON HERE. 

 

WELL LETS SEE. THE LATEST NEWS IS THAT I HAVE FOUND A NEW CHURCH. IT IS CALLED REVERENCE BIBLE CHURCH IN MISSION VIEJO CA. IT IS ALONG THE LINE OF CALVARY CHAPEL. FOR NOW THAT IS WHERE I WILL CALL HOME. 

AS FAR AS MY PANIC AND DEPRESSION GOES IT IS NOT MUCH BETTER MAYBE GETTING INTO A NEW CHURCH WILL HELP. I KNOW PEOPLE CAN’T FIX THESE THINGS IT IS ALL  UP TO GOD. 

I WAS DOWN FOR OVER A MONTH. LOST MOST OF MY STUDENTS. ON JULY 1ST I WOKE UP AND WAS PARALIZED. PARAMEDICS WERE CALLED AND TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL THEY DID AN MRI AND FOUND OUT THAT I HAVE AN INFECTION IN MY LOW BACK DISC. I CAN WALK NOW BUT I HAVE TO USE A WALKER. I HAVE HOME HEALTH CARE PEOPLE COMING TO HELP ME AND A WONDERFUL AIDE NAMED LOUIS WHO COMES TOHELP TOO. 

WELL I AM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THIS UP MORE OFTEN. 

NO MORE I CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE

ONCE AGAIN I AM WRITING HERE BECAUSE NO ONE COMES HERE. I AM SO DEPRESSED TODAY. I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING THIS DEMON OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. I HAVE FOUGHT IT FOR YEARS. I AM TIRED SO VERY TIRED. PART OF ME WANTS TO JUST SAY THE HELL WITH IT AND END IT ALL RIGHT NOW AND TO BE HONEST THAT WAS MY INTENTION WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING. TIRED OF BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME SITTING ON THE INTERNET JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO. HOPING SOMEONE WILL TAKE TIME TO CHAT. AND TO BE HONEST A COUPLE OF PEOPLE HAVE BUT I DONT WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO THEM ALL THE TIME EITHER. SO TODAY CHIP AND I SIT HERE.  THE MORE I SIT HERE THE HARDER IT IS TO NOT GIVE INTO MY TEMPTATION TO JUST END IT ALL.  I AM SUPPOSE TO GO TO A BIRTHDAY DINNER TODAY AND I WILL GO BUT TO BE HONEST I DREAD IT BECAUSE OF PANIC ISSUES.  WHO KNOWS AFTER THAT IF I WILL EVEN COME BACK MAYBE I WILL JUST GO DO MYSELF IN. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS LIFE. TIRED OF WAKING UP AND AS HARD AS I TRY THE BANK IS OVERDRAWN. I HAVE NO GAS NO FOOD AND NO MONEY. BUT YET PEOPLE TELL ME TO SMILE GOD LOVES YOU. I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE IF HE DOES OR NOT. I HAVE ALL BUT LOST MY FAITH. IT IS SAD WHEN YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR MORNING SO FAR LOOKING UP WEBSITES ON HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE. WELL, I BETTER SHUT UP. NO ONE READ THIS ANYWAY BUT JUST HAD TO VENT. 

ONCE AGAIN ALMOST TWO AM

I HATE  THESE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SLEEP DOES NOT COME EASY FOR ME ANYMORE. I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY MIND. ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF WITHOUT A CHURCH, THERE WAS JUST TO MUCH I DISAGREE WITH IN THE LAST ONE I WAS GOING TO. I LOVE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE GREAT PEOPLE. BUT THERE ARE SOME ISSUES I JUST CAN NOT COMPROMISE

DEPRESSION IS TRYING TO RULE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, MEDICATION CHANGES ARE NOT HELPING. I AM BEGINNING TO  THINK THIS IS M Y LIFE CONSTANT DEPRESSION.  I DONT WANT IT TO BE I PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY TIL I JUST CANT NOT PRAY ANYMORE. MY HEART IS TO FOLLOW GOD BUT I JUST CAN NOT KEEP IT TOGETHER.

HERE IS A SONG I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE IT IS SO MY LIFE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE0Gb28MF4c

MAKING CHANGES

I AM MAKING SOME SERIOUS CHANGES AS OF TODAY. I AM GOING TO WORK ON GETTING MY LIFE IN ORDER. THAT MEAN SPIRITUALLY, MENTALLY AND PHYSCIALLY. I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF CHANGES IN ALL THOSE AREAS OF MY LIFE.  PHYSICALLY, I NEED TO LOSE MAJOR WEIGHT AND WILL DO WHAT EVER I HAVE TO DO TO LOSE IT. I AM TIRED OF MY FEET BEING SWOLLEN ALL THE TIME BECAUSE MY BACK IS MESSED UP FROM SO MUCH WEIGHT. I CANT NOT  MOVE THEM HALF THE TIME AND CANT FEEL THEM THE OTHER HALF. AT NIGHT THEY CRAMP.  MENTALLY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF ISSUES IN MY LIFE. ONE BEING ME BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME.  I SIT AT THIS STUPID INTERNET JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME ON THAT I CAN TALK TO.  BECAUSE I AM ALONE HERE IN MY ROOM ALL THE TIME.  SITTING HERE IS KILLING MY BACK.  AND SPITITUALLY I NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME ON THAT THEN ON THE INTERNET. OH WELL I JUST NEED TO GET A LIFE.

WONDERING THOUGHTS.

I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I HAVE TO BELIEVE , I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING AFTER THIS LIFE. TODAY I DONT KNOW. WHY IS IT I KEEP HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO BE WORKING. I WANT TO BELIEVE, BUT IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO BELIEVE.  TODAY ONCE AGAIN, A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE WITH A PASTOR. WHY DO I STAY AROUND CHURCH WHEN ALL OF MY BIGGEST HURTS IN LIFE CAME FROM CHURCH PEOPLE. I WAS ASKED WHY I BELIEVE I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER MYSELF.  THINGS WILL PICK UP FOR AWHILE THEN BAM I AM LEFT OUT AGAIN.  IF YOUR NOT GOING TO BE A FRIEND THEN DON’T ACT LIKE ONE. I HAVE FRIENDS THAT DONT EVEN GO TO CHURCH THAT ARE BETTER TO ME THAN YOU GUYS ARE. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT ALL PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH ARE BAD. I HAVE MET SOME GREAT ONES. THERE IS ONE THAT IS ALWAYS THERE WHEN I CALL FOR HELP. BUT OTHERS IT IS LIKE PULLING TEETH TO GET THEM TO EVEN SAY HI TO YOU UNLESS THEY WANT SOMETHING OR THEY WANT TO HURT YOU AGAIN. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE CHURCH CROWD TOTALLY, MAYBE THAT WILL SOLVE IT .  I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE ALL I KNOW IS THAT LIFE CAN NOT GO ON THIS WAY. I AM GETTING COUNSELING MAYBE THAT WILL HELP.  BUT ALL I KNOW THINGS NEED TO CHANGE AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE FAST.